it's been (almost) officially 2 weeks since i came down bristol. honestly i didn't think too much what this meant to me then. now thinking back, i cannot find a satisfactory answer.

 

changes? i can't deny that there were changes made to my life, in fact almost in every aspect. i'm now a qualified trainer! well without practise  i did try to go out on those bar crawl days, but i'm only me. i don't believe in going out so that you can make friends sort of things for freshers... it may be true but sorry i'm only not a fan. you only get to meet your real friends when you are being you, when you feel comfortable where you are at. as with the majority of others, i do not care. a friend was telling me how hard she found the situation she was in when she had to compromise to ensure others were having fun so that she wouldn't lose them as 'friends'. miserable was the word describing that situation. i certainly wasn't 'been there done that', but, i said to her and to myself then, you are good and happy enough, you don't need that many 'friends'. if 'friends' can't make you smile, why not try to find someone who can?

 

this friend told me that people are being distant because they've already got their own circles of friends. they don't welcome outsiders. honestly speaking i do not understand this concept. first, if you can't be open about things what's the point even being here? being in uni? being in a different country? second, if you consider someone from our own country and who is a great person like my friend an outsider, i personally do not think this circle of friends is worth joining in. last but maybe not the least, i don't get it because i've never had my own circle.

 

i think my problem is that i enjoy being on my own too much. i've never ever thought about finding company in everything and anything i do or did. i'm more than happy keeping others company when people approach me, but i simply wouldn't seek company first. i make plans involving only myself, i change them when i have to but never make adjustments.

 

well the secret is: be open, smile and welcome changes. sincerity is not at all a bad thing. while many people told me it simply is not wise trusting people you don't know well (they've rightly pointed out that this is my biggest weakness), i still think it's sad people miss out without trying (could be the best excuse for me ever because people been there might know how hard it is to change lol).

 

 

i try not to become a perfectionist and in many ways i'm not. but i do have to keep my room in order which is quite weird considering it's only me most of the time who gets to see it, and it takes up some extra few mins in the morning before rushing to lectures. no but! haha i discovered it is my habbit writing buts after making statements which could be quite handy in essay writing thanks to Mr Shingleton! LOL

 

so many truth to realise but it's only helpful if one could realise one at a time. well... all goes back to the saying and the most comforting sentence: c'est la vie.

i wish myself a happy birthday

and a very good autumn too!

you should see it... it's filled with reminders like birthdays, student fairs, freshers week activities, things to be done before moving off, websites to be checked, online registration dates, numbers to be dialed, sessions to attend plus time, documents required for each... and i'm sure there are many more since i haven't finished making sense of the faculty registration pack just yet... Gosh i give up. well nearly.

I'm going to Bristol as i wished which is good and i'm happy about it.

 

it's just... i'm not as excited as i should be. i'm not going to be bitter about this one mark crisis. i got in after all. guess it just gave me some sort of excuse to let myself get out what has been repressed for so long.

 

i don't understand why this ALWAYS happen to me! i thought i totally messed up my maths exam because there were only 4 questions and i couldn't do half of them. i tried my best anyway but i never thought it'd came up to be 100%... crazy world. i totally do NOT believe it. got full mark for psychology again :) i knew i did well so it wasn't a shock (well even if it was, it would be a nice one). so that leaves business... i did good in unit 6 but somehow just don't understand why everybody got rubbish grades in unit 5... like literally everybody. even people outside cokethorpe who did business. but i got a good grade overall which was a relieve (well kind of)... if you call that is.

 

i feel like i've been waiting for all those two years for this particular day. kim's mum said you are such a clever girl. i'm not. seriously i'm not. i just worked hard cos i thought that's what i'm expected to do. i did it for those people i care more than anything. mum and dad was hoping i could get into yucai and i did it. and now i did this... i've done it but neither of them is here with me... i don't know what to think now, i really don't... it's just i don't want to let people down. oh god i have to stop it!!! have to cheer up and move on...

 

but i can't do it right now... people were like lets go out and celebrate! but i don't feel like to. i need isolation. maybe just for today. then i'll be fine again.

 

i really should do something for myself shouldn't i?

how stupid i was to not even let this cross my mind! of course she didn't... do what i thought she did. it was me totally me! apart from blaming myself (which i did) that still counted for stalking... in a way. oh well i won't ever be such a fool again. God, such a trouble i am!

i'm sorry, especially without realising i was the culprit myself. i really am sorry...

i've been thinking recently. you are right we all knew it would happen sooner or later didn't we? i don't know about you but i did... but i never thought it'd be this bad.

so as i said, we all have to get on with it whatever happens because c'est la vie.

watched a bit of MJ's funeral... particularly liked one of the speeches given by his childhood sweetheart sorry didn't pay attention to her name.her speech felt so... just so real. quite surprised when she brought up the little princess. what is the most important is not visible... how true is that? smile. i have to tell myself this too... smile and be happy :)

 

price giving on fri. can't believe it's the end already. i was thinking oh i really don't have to wear suits for school from fri onwards ever again. but there's more to it than simply don't have chance to wear school uniform. i wanted to say that i gained so many things from life at cokethorpe. but it seems effortless when trying to be specific. i couldn't even pronounce c-o-k-e-t-h-o-r-p-e at the beginning lol... but it's the end, the end. my kim texted me the other day saying we get matching hoodies on fri! yes we do:) as i said hope the weather's not going to be hot so that we can wear them! i still remember when we were doing photos for the prospectus and that one taken beside the rose garden was actually on the website first thing you see. can't believe i never get the chance again to complain walking up to the church, first every 3rd week then every 6th, and get frozen inside.then came out of it smiling and saying thank you very much. what conflicting actions! haha hope i'm forgiven by the almighty God ;) Vanbrugh house is simply the best! i don't have to say anything else, just it's the best ever. lunch time duties! what can i say about them... lol nightmares? not quite. easy pissy? well... not really. but we had fun, didn't we prefects? and lessons... just love them! for my life i've never loved my lessons that much. but do you know what? we've got the best teachers! thank you all so much more than i can say... UCAS! lol i lived through the reality check period. it was stressing, but we are all going to do more exciting things. for this i'm thankful to UCAS and Mr and Mrs UCAS ;) just please stop sending me emails UCAS, i'm not interested in meeting random people at all haha. what do i regret? well... not giving people lines? haha i can't do it i know i can't no matter how hard i try. so there you go, i'm not a good prefect lol well not a bossy one which pupils may like but... well sorry Sir, i tried my best;) i actually do not regret not being able to have the new sixth form centre. i know people may do but i've always enjoyed a smaller community and i'm more than certain that it was exactly what i want all the way through... too many things to say but i'd like to stop here. Cokethorpe is special in its own way and i don't really have to say that much. :)

 

 

si quelqu'un aime une fleur qui n'existe pu'à un exemplaire dans les millions et les millions d'étoiles, ça suffit pour qui'il soit heureux quand il les regarde. il se dit: '' ma fleur est là quelque part...'' mais si le mouton mange la fleur, c'est pour lui comme si, brusquement, toutes les étoiles s'éteignaient! et ce n'est pas important ça!

 

When one loves a flower, and she only lives on one of those stars among millions and millions. When one is able to see those stars one may feel happiness. One may tell oneself: '' My flower is there somewhere...'' However, if the flower is eaten by the sheep, it would feel like all the stars suddenly stopped shining! Don't you think this is important at all!

one can't choose one's life

one can't choose what one does

...

one can't choose so many things

BUT one can choose not to give up hope :)

there are so many articles written by parents of young adults saying how they wish their children would spend their birthdays with them not their friends.

i know how they celebrate each other's birthdays. they go out drinking, have a party etc. while their parents wait at home with a cake and some candles...

this doesn't sound funny i know, in fact it's rather old fashioned or even sad, but please bear with me.

what i find funny was that i belng to the opposite group. i want to spend my birthdays with my family but never got a chance. imagine it, everything turns upset down, how funny would that be?

they would tell me, go back! you should worry about your visa, your accomodation at uni, your this, your that...there's nothing you can do really!

yes it is the truth, so it's totally fine! i'm okay with it.

it's funny to know that you are different!

 

 

 

 

i'm half way through the novel... read it till midnight yesterday. it's so absorbing in a way... in a way which Nabokov used words and the structure of the sentences... but it gave me a feeling last night cos it's so mad, i just don't understand the logic under the story. say, Lolita's Char and Hum's daughter, Humbert would have known that the first time he met Mrs. Haze... and now after the death of her, even it wasn't him who said that but his friends. god, so now it becomes clear that Humbert loves Lolita who was a 12-year-old and who was his won daughter!!! how stupid is that?! u agree right?

 

it's a great novel anyway for it has its own reason, i'm not good enough to understand that i guess...

 

talked to gran loads these couple of days... i enjoy her company hehe. cos we normally talk abt everything:) when school starts the day after 2morrow i gonna be busy... so i'm pretty much enjoy these quiet days.

 

oh one funny thing, when i was cooking yesterday i just put way too much salt into the dishes... cos i dunno what to do with the salt bottle...:( i felt so embarrassed as people were eatting them... lol